Self-Esteem, She’s a Bitch…October 29, 2012 - Author: Greis - 8 Comments
Wow, has it really been so long (over 4 months) since my last post? My break from blogging was not on purpose, I’ve just been in the midst of a writing funk. So many nights I’d sit down to write here in my little corner of the Interwebz and the words they just would not come. How do you break out of a funk that seems never-ending?
I’m hoping this post will help get me back into some sort of writing groove, because I miss it.
Those of you that know me, even if it’s just “knowing” me from the World Wide Web, know that I’ve been single FOREVER! I’ve made it no secret that I enjoy my singleness, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve started longing for more. I see friends and family in relationships, getting engaged, getting married and having kids. I’m not 100% sure where my life will lead me, but I do know that I would love to have all of those life experiences at some point, and as my mother likes to point out (too often!)….I’m not getting any younger. (I’ll be 34 in 15 days, woot!)
While I’ve been away I’ve found myself in what I like to call a new “friendship”, a “relationship” of sorts, but more complex. I haven’t discussed it online at all, because well it’s personal and hard to explain and well we’re just friends. I’ve known him for a while and never in a million years thought we’d “hit it off” the way we have in recent months, but we have. We talk, a LOT, we enjoy each other’s company, even though it’s limited and well we just really get along.
Will this “relationship” lead to more, probably not. In fact, there’s no probably about it, this “relationship” is one of friendship and fun and that’s it. It’s a “relationship” that I will continue to enjoy until things change. That’s about as in-depth as I’ll get here.
The one thing I’m struggling with right now are my feelings.
Spoiler Alert: it doesn’t matter how much weight I lose or how happy I am in life I still have self-esteem issues. I will likely ALWAYS have self-esteem issues.
He says I’m beautiful, but I don’t believe him.
He says he likes me the way I am, but I still see so many faults.
He says I’m smart, but how can a college drop-out be smart?
I can be 100% myself around him, but sometimes I feel like the real me is a turn off.
All of these thoughts and then some rise to the surface on a daily basis. The logical me knows that what he says is true but the judgmental me refuses to listen, to really listen to what he says and accept it as fact. Why can I never accept the “good” without dwelling on the “not so good?” Why can’t I take the compliments and let someone like me for me? Why must I always feel like there are stipulations to the compliments?
Why must my emotions always be so damn confusing?
When I lost the weight and became “HAPPY” again I just assumed the self-esteem would correct itself. It seems I still have some work to do in that department!
So, tell me friends, how do you work on your self-esteem?