Big Steps…
We have to find peace with the way we look and get on with life.
- Roger Ebert
I’ve made it no secret that I struggle with weight issues. Weight has been an on-going battle in my life since my freshman year in high school. Back then, 1993 to 1997, I fluctuated between 145 and 160 pounds. Back then I was considered FAT. Today, 150 pounds is my goal weight.
My weight, along with so many other things, has affected my day to day life. I have horrible self esteem, I don’t date, I’m pretty sure that I run friends off, because, in my mind, who wants to be friends with the “fat” girl, my lower back aches daily and I can’t climb a flight of stairs or walk across a parking lot without struggling to breathe. Issues, I have them!!!
Growing up we always hear that people should love you for you. They should love your heart, your soul and your inner self. We hear that the outside doesn’t/shouldn’t matter. Unfortunately, society sees it differently. What you look like on the outside does matter. When you’re over weight people treat you differently. People look at you differently. People are quick to judge. They think you’re useless and lazy and can’t say no to food. Yes, for some of us, this may be true, but for others it’s not. Excessive weight may be a medical issue or depression or a slew of other problems.
I know that my “true” friends don’t care if I weigh 100 pounds or 500 pounds. They don’t care if I wear make-up daily or not. They don’t care if I shop at discount stores or department stores. My “true” friends love me no matter what. I know that, I cherish that, but it doesn’t change the way that I feel on the inside. It doesn’t change the fact that I question my friendships constantly. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m insecure. It doesn’t change the fact that when friends don’t call or text or invite me places I feel left out and wonder if my friendships are real. These are all thoughts/feelings that I’ve had to work on for years. It’s an on-going work in progress.
I’m currently at my HEAVIEST weight ever. To reach my goal I need to lose 155 pounds. (Go ahead, do the math!) Yes, you read that right, I.NEED.TO.LOSE.155.POUNDS!!! *sigh* Today I am considered morbidly obese, oh what I wouldn’t give to be my high school “fat” size again!
I’m not happy where I’m at and I’m not proud of some of the choices that I’ve made in life. I’d like to tell you that there’s a medical reason behind my weight. There’s not. I’m lazy, I hate the gym (when you are over 300 pounds the gym is not your friend) and I absolutely LOVE “bad for me” foods.
I’ve tried diet after diet after diet. Some have worked and some not so much. I’ll excel at a diet for a a few months and then go back to my old ways. I’ve lost weight in the past, but as I’ve gotten older it’s become harder to motivate myself. It’s become harder to lose the weight.
This summer I’ll be taking a BIG step in my weight loss journey. After a lot of research and soul searching I’ve decided, with the guidance of family, friends and my doctor, to undergo gastric bypass surgery. I’ve completed all of my pre-approval paperwork and have attended all of the insurance required classes. My doctors office has now submitted my paperwork to the insurance company and upon approval (my insurance covers 90%) the date will be set. I’m confident in my decision and also scared and nervous, it is surgery after all.
I know that surgery won’t fix everything. I know that I will have to continue to work on my inside issues and will have to change my life FOREVER. Surgery is a tool to help with weight loss. The commitment and change that will lead to success will have to come from me.
I’ve talked to friends that have, themselves, undergone the surgery. I’m aware of the side effects and the endless list of things to expect. I know this journey will by no means be an easy one. It will take strength, love and LOTS of support to get through. My family is supporting me 100% and I hope that you, my friends, will too.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 25th, 2010 at 11:23 pm and is filed under Random, Real Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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Diana W. May 26th, 2010 at 6:26 am
You don’t know me but I have been following YOUR blog for a year now. Your story IS my story! I totally get where you are coming from. I’m not going the surgery route as I have other issues now. I thought about it long and hard and decided it wasn’t for me. The one thing I changed that made a differance for me was to replace brown rice for white, whole wheat or whole grains in general and cut out lots of sugars and baked goods and I dropped 30 lbs quickly and I still ate lots of cheese, meat, pasta and veggies. I feel for you. I have coousins who had this surgery but still eat way too much and they gained a lot of their weight back. Please know that can happen! Best of luck to you!
Diana W.´s last blog ..I can do this!
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Greis Reply:
May 26th, 2010 at 8:03 am
I agree, surgery may not be for everyone.Life after surgery will be one of change and commitment and I’m going into this journey knowing that gaining the weight back will always be a possibility. Thank you for reading and commenting. Don’t be a stranger and come back any time!!
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